Love, bubs and life on our little farm

I think I have teared up like seven times today at least. So much sad news. The fires in Victoria just break my heart. At first I was sad listening to poor people standing shocked explaining that they had nothing left besides what they were wearing. And then I couldn't believe the death toll. It truly is a massacre and my heart twists for those poor souls who burned to death, either fighting or desperately fleeing. It is all so so sad and like a bad movie. I have no words for the scum of the earth that light fires for the kicks. I have had also had to physically restrain myself from jumping out of my car at traffic lights etc to knock on peoples windows that throw lit cigarettes out car windows. I lived through the Canberra fires and only 2 months ago Jase and I extingushed a fire in a rest area started by a smoker.

Jase and I discuss endlessly our bushfire escape plans. We are more than aware of the risk in the bushy area we live. We have had fires burning uncontrolled just one hill away from us. We have 10 acres of uncleared scrub next door to us - about 15 metres from our house. It is a tinderbox of dead trees but is a rare refuge for the kangaroos, wallabys and koalas so I dont complain to council as I am scared it will be cleared flat. But it worries me.

Jase and I can never agree on leaving the property and leaving the horses in the event of an approaching fire. I want to stay and load the horses into the float and the chickens into boxes and throw them in the car. We are both unsure that if push came to shove, that we might want to stay to defend. But the dam pump is unreliable and we need power to run the house water pump - it would be close to useless to try to stay. I would never leave Jase to defend the place alone. Of course now we have Elka - leaving sooner would make sense.

One thing this disaster has reminded me - that your loved ones are important, not material things. Yes I would be sad to lose my grandmothers jewellery she left me, yes I would hate to lose the teapot my pop bought me. But what is life without Jase and Elka. Urrgh tears flow even thinking about it.

To add to the emotion. Elka went into daycare today for some familarisation. I was with her the whole time, watching. But it was so hard. The carers were great, the babies sweet and the room good. But its a ratio of one to four. I am used to Elka having one to one. I cant even bear the thought of my little one being fourth on someones list. I was a little internally crazy for a few minutes - watching her sitting in a swing whilst other babies were being tended to. My mind raced - what if she chokes and no one notices, what if she finds something she shouldn't and swallows it, what if, what if.. The feeling of leaving your baby alone in the big bad world is not a something I like.

But it wasn't all bad. Elka loved charming the carers, playing with the babies, having new toys and watching everyone going about their business. I can see that she will enjoy the variety. And I need to go back to work - my mind is crying out for the challenge..

To top it off, I am a work widow again. The nights do get lonely at the farm. Sometimes I will Elka to wake up so I can hug her and feel her warmth. The disadvantage to her being a dream sleeper. Spech has pulled another shoe off. I felt pretty flat this afternoon.

But I must remember - my beautiful home is standing, my family are safe and well and I am looking forward to a better day tomorrow. I have so much.